rupture and repair: the dance of relationship

Intimacy comes with great rewards - connection, belonging, closeness - but it is not without risk.  Part of strengthening relationships is learning to trust in the rupture-repair process.

We can not avoid ruptures in relationships.  From technological glitches on Zoom and missed texts, to more significant missings/misunderstandings/mis-speaks with a significant person in our lives.  Moments of disconnection are inevitable.  Even as therapists, teachers, facilitators, and well-meaning emotionally intelligent beings, we will "miss" the person in front of us in some way, without meaning to.

What’s more, when we are making conscious efforts to be more vulnerable with each other in our friendships, families, and romantic and professional relationships, the risk of hurting or being hurt increases.  This is one of the risks of building intimacy in relationships.

But there is good news!  Rupture-repair is a process - it’s a cycle.  The REPAIR part of this process is perhaps the most crucial and juicy part.  Hanging in together through the repair process is where the possibility emerges for strengthening the relationship and creating possibility for intimacy and connection.  Coming back after a technical glitch.  Hanging in after a misunderstanding.  Listening after a mis-step or mis-speak.  Sharing your experience without blame, and taking in the other person’s experience without judgement or defensiveness.

Just like the helical movement of planets and stars through space, we are constantly spiralling toward and away from each other in relationships, all the while moving forward together in a meaningful way.  

This is the dance of relationship.